Heart Rate 101

I'm so excited I'm nearly bouncing!

I joined the Heart Rate 101 group on Another Mother Runner.

So excited.   So excited.  I've been wanting so badly to run again, but just not feeling like my body is ready.   I think this is going to ease me into it safely.

I am supposed to be keeping my heart rate under 140.  Hahahaha!  I have a high heart rate...always have.  I can currently run for about 30 seconds...maybe it's less.  Is it 10?  I don't know.   It's not long.  I run until I hit 140 then walk to bring it back down. The goal is to build and be able to run a nice easy pace without going over 140.

Wish me luck!  It might take me years!  We'll see.

My Wardrobe Architect Journey - Weeks 2, 3 & 4

You can find the wardrobe architect blog posts here.

And I'm also using the 4 x 4 wardrobe method from here, once I go through the wardrobe architect, and figure out my style, I'll be able to put together a wardrobe perfect for me, using the 4 x 4 formula found in this blog, which is just FULL of information that you could get lost in for hours.

I forgot about blogging week 1.  Ooops....

So for week 2 I have a BAZILLION images pinned on my Pinterest board.  BUT, I think I like things based on the look it gives a much thinner person, rather than the look it gives me.   It made me realize that I want my pre-Micah body back...right now...and it's going slowly.

Week 3 did help me a lot.   I don't know why.  It really was quite simple, it will hopefully make me stop buying things that I don't like on me.    I think that helped me weed out the body image pinnings from week 2. 

In week 2, I pinned a lot of images, and I know a lot of them look great on the models, or maniquins, or just laid out in an outline, but after doing week 3, I can look at those things, and weed out the images that I know I won't like once they're on MY body.   So...I guess the two weeks really were quite helpful.

Week 4 again, has helped me see where my likes are, and again, a lot of long sleek images....doh!  I'm neither long, nor sleek.   Once again though, it's helped me see a bit more of my style.   I like things that are fitted on the bottom, or straight, and things that are looser through the middle.  Which kind of works and makes sense, since I've got a short torso, with not a whole lot of waist definition.
So like a high neck halter style tank top, that is relaxed and flowy (almost A-line) with fitted straight pants... NOT skinny jeans...because that gives that bigger hipped look and I feel like I look like a football.  Straight pants.   Skinny pants if it's with boots... but not with flats.

I realized a bunch of little things like this.   I realized I actually DO have a style.  I don't currently wear that style, but I could feel myself figuring out what it is, as I went through and chose outfits that I liked, and then looked at the shape of those outfits and figured out what I liked about them.   I also looked at outfits that I don't like, and figured out what I don't like about those.  

I have a style!   Who knew!  Now.... to actually start dressing that way.   

It's also so very helpful when choosing sewing patterns.   Don't just look at the pattern on the model!   That's what I always do, I don't know why.   It's going to be so helpful to know what shapes I like on my body, and what ones make me feel frumpy, or like an 1800's era old grouchy school teacher.


Edit:  As it turns out... blogging my way through this is a bad idea.   I can't see how my answers would be interesting to anyone, so I decided I'll just come back and post general updates... maybe...if I'm suddenly proud of something. 

My Wardrobe Architect Journey - Intro

Have you seen the Wardrobe Architect blog series?  It was originally from 2014, and those are the posts I'm following.  You can read all about it here:

https://blog.colettehq.com/wardrobe-architect/introducing-the-wardrobe-architect

I decided..."Oh hey...I may as well just go ahead and blog my way through it."  It will get me writing again, and there is so much in my head I've wanted to write about...the biggest of course, is Micah's birth.   It's been 9 weeks..and I haven't written a word.  I really regret not doing it when it was fresh...but I just couldn't...I couldn't organize my thoughts the whole thing was just. so. overwhelmingly amazing.  It was crazy, and pointed me straight to The Lord every step of the way.  So...that's for another day.  Hopefully my brain will organize itself enough to write something.  I really want it written down so I can look back at it in the future. 

Annnnnnnd.....on to The Wardrobe Architect.... Week 1....Edit:  Actually...INTRO....because I ramble so much I decided to make my week 1 homework a separate post.

I should also mention that I'm already ripping things out of my closet this morning, after reading about 4x4 wardrobes, and as far as capsules go...this seems to make the most sense to me.  I've always looked at capsule wardrobes before and not known HOW to do that.  If you google 4x4 wardrobe, you'll see what I mean, but here are two examples (and thankfully the source information is right there from the screen capture I grabbed from Pinterest...so I don't have to figure out how to source that!)

4 x 4 Wardrobe....fabulous in my eyes right now.  It's like a clothing "Aha!" moment.   I just found this yesterday.  While these styles and colours aren't for me, the top one is close...just close enough that I took a closer look and did a happy dance.  I feel like I can actually put together a wardrobe this way.   So...the 4x4 wardrobe will be my quick fix, that I can start on, while I work through the Wardrobe Architect series...and perhaps even do some sewing. 

So...this morning...right after feeding Micah, and while still drinking my coffee....with the kids sitting at the kitchen table eating Cheerios and Rice Krispies (judge me for that another day, OK?  ...today you can judge me for how bad I am at clothing myself), I pulled out everything hanging in my closet...and except for a few things in the wash (one pair of jeans, really...I think that's it other than lounging around home or sleeping clothes)  this is my wardrobe. 

You might not notice the biggest problem unless you're me.    

You see...I love, but rarely wear dresses....  I wear capris, or long shorts in summer...

Here's the picture I snapped of my clothes piled on my bed, and sorted into categories.

It's made me realize that I can't dress nicely, because I don't really have much of what I need.  Most of the long sleeve shirts are old and kind of ratty now,  or they're athletic wear....  I have a lot of dresses... far more than one who rarely wears them needs...I've got like....6 or 7!  and several skirts.  I have a lot of sweaters?!?!?!  why?!?!?    I have one pair of jeans in the washer that I don't love, but bought out of desperation, and the two pairs shown here on the right are both maternity, and they. must. go.   Too bad, because I loved them. 

And here's the clincher...    remember how I said I mostly wear things like capris in the summer....

Yep...ONE pair of old and poorly fitting capris that I don't really care for...but pulled them out of the donation bag (they're still in good shape), because I am still bigger post baby, and I had to go scrounging for something to put on when the weather suddenly turned hot 2 weeks ago. 

So...unless I want to only wear cardigans and dresses that don't match each other at all....I have some serious work to do. 

Where will I source my new clothes?  Well, my clothing budget right now is limited, but I did give myself a small one.    I plan on mixing it up between buying new, thrift store shopping, and sewing my own.  

I hope to stop shopping for quick fix junky clothes and spend a bit more on quality that will look nice and fit well.   When thrift store shopping, I'll be searching for those nuggets of gold, and I will not settle! (talking to myself here...repeat after me...do not settle).   And when sewing my own, which I'm SEW EXCITED about (snort), I hope to have some fun, learn some new skills, and experiment.

Well, that wraps up my enthusiastic explosion of excitement.  Let's do this!

You don't know him.

You don't know him.

I have to say it.   Because I'm so tired of hearing it.   You don't know him.    I realize that ALL you see is a SUPER hyper and active little boy, and exhausted parents, who always seem about to lose it (cuz we are).   You see a little boy, who is loud, who doesn't stop jumping around like popcorn, who is rough, who is constantly hugging, tackling, ramming, hitting, throwing things (either in fun or anger), running, jumping, climbing, and generally doing all of these things at full speed, and out of control.   He destroys things sometimes... he does.  It's true.   Sorry.  

I know you see me struggle to get him to calm down enough to even look at my face when I'm talking to him.    I know that.    I see it too.    .....but that's ALL you see. 

 I see so much more of him.   I know his quiet moments.   

You don't see that he is the MOST sensitive child I have ever known.   More sensitive than my older daughter, who is clearly observably sensitive in the eyes of everyone who sees her.   YOU would never know, that he is by far more sensitive than that.  

You can't see him, when he says to me every single day "Mommy, I don't want you to die"   I have no idea why he has this fear, but he does, and he needs constant reassurance.   I've never been touched so much in my life.   Some days, I'm touched out by 9am, but he still needs the contact.   He kisses me constantly, he hugs me constantly, he tells me he loves me  "so, so, so, so much, and our whole family"  all day long.   

He notices if I am wearing something that he's not seen before, he notices if my hair is brushed differently....this child... he notices if my eyebrows look different!  He also regularly thanks God for my eyebrows...and my eyes...and my face, and my nose, and my hair, and anything else that he's looking at with fine tooth comb detail while we're praying at night.   

The questions he asks, about God, and about heaven, and about concepts that are far deeper than I would think a 3 year old would be able to grasp are astounding.   This is all the quiet moments.  These are the moments that you don't see.  You can't see.  I understand that, but please...please don't look at him, and think that what you see, is all there is. 

He knows what's happening.  He understands death.  He knows that Grandpa is gone to be with God.   He has cried about it several times in the last few months, with an expression that would break your heart, because he was so worried that Grandpa would be lonely there, waiting for us.   Deeply, deeply worried about is Grandpa and what that would be like for him.   

He is the one, who has thought this over and over in his mind.  He is the one who has asked many questions, and sat quietly thinking and processing.    He knows what's going on.  He will not just forget or "get over it", he will move on, but not because he doesn't emotionally feel, or understand.  He will move on, because he, just like all the grown ups and older children who grasp it all, do.  We just do.   

He is a boy of extremes.    He is the wildest child I've ever known,  he is also the most highly observant, and sensitive child I have ever known.  

He is amazing.  He is an incredible gift.   He is challenging.  He is precious.   I waited for him for years, because I just knew in my heart that God had him for me, but I had no idea who he would be.    

I must confess....I love him so deeply (like all my children) that there are no words, he also makes me so angry, that there are no words.... but something happens in me, when I hear people talk about him like he's an empty shell of activity, and just a crazy busy boy with no substance and no heart or brain or emotion.   I must confess, that the feeling that comes over me is deep deep sadness for Jude, but also a fury beyond belief.   I want to lash out, and tell you that you don't know him.   I want you to understand that you're judging just one small part of who he is.   You're seeing the superficial activity, and assuming there is nothing underneath.    Please, when you see him....just remember that he IS a person, and he has a huge heart, and a huge mind, and you don't know him.   

With love, sadness, heartache, and a little dose of fury.  

Debbie....mom of Jude. 

Disclaimer: This post is written FULL of pregnancy hormones... exhausted...having a baby in 3 weeks, and trying to be there for my family and husband as his father just died, after a 3 month long stay in the hospital.     Please read it as my plee for understanding, and looking beyond what you initially see in a child.  Think of your own children if you have them, and imagine what YOU know of them, and contrast that with what others can only observe not knowing them the way you do.   Please don't read this as an angry raging pregnant lady...   I'm really not angry and raging...rather...  just, so sad for my sweet boy, so very, very, often.    <3

Primed VBAC Childbirth Prep - Post 4

Prepared

Hormones:  

I just finished watching the hormones video.  It's funny when things make sense years later.   I already knew a bit about the hormones involved, but nothing about catecholamine involvement, and the effect that can have.   It's just...hmmm...something that makes me think back.   And realizing how bad the environment in that room was, all around...just bad. bad, bad, bad.   

Lol...  who knew I'd be taking a trip down memory lane!?

Primed VBAC Childbirth Prep - Post 3

Section 1:  Informed

Labor 3: Transition, Pushing, Birth

What I got the most out of this video is the pushing instruction.  It's honestly so very different than what I've had before, and after taking the Core Foundations course, I knew it would be, and I was really looking forward to getting to this.

I've had two vaginal births.   One went horribly, one went beautifully.   After BOTH, I looked like I'd been strangled.   I had little broken capillaries all over my face, my eyelids especially, all down my neck, even onto my chest.   I literally burst all my bubbles when pushing.   I know I was holding my breath, but...I was told to do it that way.  I don't think that I would have been capable of doing it any other way without prior instruction, but now I know.   And I really hope to push differently this time.

Being told the real deal about transition.  Being told the real deal about all the less than glamorous stuff.  Being told the truth about how beautiful, and also how hard, and sometimes scary, and really, really physical this all is....and....  some of it is just downright gross.   Karli hasn't said that, she has more tact than me :)  but I just did.  Some of it is gross.  There. 

I'm really appreciating all the TRUTH I'm feeling coming from this course.   Perhaps it's because of my first childbirth experience.  Maybe I was told the truth then too, and was just in lala land and couldn't see it? Maybe?  but what a rude awakening and traumatic experience I had.     I'm going into this all with a sort of apprehensive "maybe I can do this"  feeling.    This is encouraging me to have a little more confidence, not through a "you can do this!  no problem!" sort of instruction, but rather a "this is going to be hard, this is going to be physical, this is going to be an intense marathon, but you can still do it" sort of instruction.    

Truth, AND encouragement.  

I'm really loving this class.  Karli is delightful, and I feel like I've got a close friend telling me the truth over coffee.   What do you think the chances are that she'd like to come to Canada and be at this baby's birth with me?  Ha!

Primed VBAC Childbirth Prep - Post 2

I had a few notes that were really from before post 1.   The first thing I noticed when I started the course was that the whole layout is beautiful! 

Here's what I had written back then... 19 days ago...when I actually started:

The whole layout is beautiful!  And clear, it's very easy to see the whole overview of what's going to happen.  

I'm in the first section, and I LOVE that the videos are broken into several shorter videos and not one huge long one....I never seem to find time to watch one huge long video, but when they're under 10 minutes it's just so freeing to be able to watch one when I have a few minutes...and even watch it a second time and be able to find the right spot.

Also...I had no idea only about 8 percent of people try for a VBAC! 

LOVE that I can take a course and don't have to leave my house!  It's hard to coordinate childcare and time out, etc. This is so fabulous!

Now I'm back up to speed.  Tonight I watched:

Section 1:  Informed

Labor 2:  Active Labor

It's funny, on my laptop when I'm watching these videos, my screen shows the title of the video on the left, with a circle under the title that looks like a "play" button to me.   It's not, it's just an image, but every time...EVERY TIME even now that I know, I click that image two or three times before I go "riiiiight"   and move over to the play button on the actual video on the right of the screen.  Ha!  You'd think I'd adjust, but nope.

Ok, once again, I love Karli.   Here are a couple of things that I love.  She's real... she says things that I believe.  This will be tough, this will be intense, and I love that she talked about how our mood will change and everything that will go along with that.   

She mentioned changing the energy a few times, and for me, as soon as someone starts talking about energy I halfway tuning out. Ha...  that's my own thing.   I took it as changing the positions...  changing what you're doing...changing your method/approach, etc.   Makes sense!

Loved the memory about someone she was with changing it up, and going for a walk in the snow, and also her protrayal of that, was that it was HARD, but that hard was GOOD, because that's how we get closer to having a baby!

I don't know about you....but.... before my first labour, I read a lot, and I prepared a lot, and I got my hands on everything I could, and I have to say, after I finally had my sweet baby girl in my arms.  I felt tricked!  I felt lied to!  I can also tell you that I took my "Bradley Method" childbirth book, and I threw it across a room into a wall.... likely several times... LIES!  LIES I TELL YA! 

This is real.  I've been through 2 labours, the first I went 15 hours before getting the epidural, the second, was an induction from the very beginning, and the whole thing was 9 hours.  I think I went 3 hours before getting the epidural, not because I was past what I could handle, but because I had such FEAR of experiencing what I did the first time.  Both babies were posterior, and I had back labour both times.  My third baby was a c-section because she was breech.   Who knows what #4 will bring.  I just know, there is a 99.9% chance that it will be an induction.   Hopefully ending in a VBAC and not another c-section.   We shall see...in about 10 weeks!  

I have to get moving!  10 weeks left, and I have this course to go through, and I want to start the prenatal core right after.  

Exciting days ahead.   As I watched the video tonight my little man was kicking up a storm, head down, feet up....  stay that way!