Saturday, January 30, 2016

You don't know him.

You don't know him.

I have to say it.   Because I'm so tired of hearing it.   You don't know him.    I realize that ALL you see is a SUPER hyper and active little boy, and exhausted parents, who always seem about to lose it (cuz we are).   You see a little boy, who is loud, who doesn't stop jumping around like popcorn, who is rough, who is constantly hugging, tackling, ramming, hitting, throwing things (either in fun or anger), running, jumping, climbing, and generally doing all of these things at full speed, and out of control.   He destroys things sometimes... he does.  It's true.   Sorry.  
I know you see me struggle to get him to calm down enough to even look at my face when I'm talking to him.    I know that.    I see it too.    .....but that's ALL you see. 

 I see so much more of him.   I know his quiet moments.   

You don't see that he is the MOST sensitive child I have ever known.   More sensitive than my older daughter, who is clearly observably sensitive in the eyes of everyone who sees her.   YOU would never know, that he is by far more sensitive than that.  
You can't see him, when he says to me every single day "Mommy, I don't want you to die"   I have no idea why he has this fear, but he does, and he needs constant reassurance.   I've never been touched so much in my life.   Some days, I'm touched out by 9am, but he still needs the contact.   He kisses me constantly, he hugs me constantly, he tells me he loves me  "so, so, so, so much, and our whole family"  all day long.   

He notices if I am wearing something that he's not seen before, he notices if my hair is brushed differently....this child... he notices if my eyebrows look different!  He also regularly thanks God for my eyebrows...and my eyes...and my face, and my nose, and my hair, and anything else that he's looking at with fine tooth comb detail while we're praying at night.   

The questions he asks, about God, and about heaven, and about concepts that are far deeper than I would think a 3 year old would be able to grasp are astounding.   This is all the quiet moments.  These are the moments that you don't see.  You can't see.  I understand that, but please...please don't look at him, and think that what you see, is all there is. 

He knows what's happening.  He understands death.  He knows that Grandpa is gone to be with God.   He has cried about it several times in the last few months, with an expression that would break your heart, because he was so worried that Grandpa would be lonely there, waiting for us.   Deeply, deeply worried about is Grandpa and what that would be like for him.   
He is the one, who has thought this over and over in his mind.  He is the one who has asked many questions, and sat quietly thinking and processing.    He knows what's going on.  He will not just forget or "get over it", he will move on, but not because he doesn't emotionally feel, or understand.  He will move on, because he, just like all the grown ups and older children who grasp it all, do.  We just do.   

He is a boy of extremes.    He is the wildest child I've ever known,  he is also the most highly observant, and sensitive child I have ever known.  
He is amazing.  He is an incredible gift.   He is challenging.  He is precious.   I waited for him for years, because I just knew in my heart that God had him for me, but I had no idea who he would be.    

I must confess....I love him so deeply (like all my children) that there are no words, he also makes me so angry, that there are no words.... but something happens in me, when I hear people talk about him like he's an empty shell of activity, and just a crazy busy boy with no substance and no heart or brain or emotion.   I must confess, that the feeling that comes over me is deep deep sadness for Jude, but also a fury beyond belief.   I want to lash out, and tell you that you don't know him.   I want you to understand that you're judging just one small part of who he is.   You're seeing the superficial activity, and assuming there is nothing underneath.    Please, when you see him....just remember that he IS a person, and he has a huge heart, and a huge mind, and you don't know him.   

With love, sadness, heartache, and a little dose of fury. of Jude. 

Disclaimer: This post is written FULL of pregnancy hormones... exhausted...having a baby in 3 weeks, and trying to be there for my family and husband as his father just died, after a 3 month long stay in the hospital.     Please read it as my plee for understanding, and looking beyond what you initially see in a child.  Think of your own children if you have them, and imagine what YOU know of them, and contrast that with what others can only observe not knowing them the way you do.   Please don't read this as an angry raging pregnant lady...   I'm really not angry and raging...rather...  just, so sad for my sweet boy, so very, very, often.    <3