Monday, February 17, 2014

The history - Part 2 of That Tummy Topic

Warning:  Lots of oversharing going on here.   This is a good post to skip if you don't want to know too much about me :)  it's also turned out to be ridiculously long.   Snore...

Read Part 1 of That Tummy Topic here

So, last post I talked about finding out that I have a rather significant diastasis recti, and about finding the Tummy Team, and signing up for the online course.

I have so many things to say about this that I'm not sure if I'll be able to organize my thoughts well, but I'm going to try.   I apologize in advance if things seem....not quite put together right (ha..kind of like my tummy!).

So, I've never really liked my tummy.   I've always had a bit of extra padding there.  I've always carried weight there.  Even when I was a size 6 at our wedding and I worked out 5 days a week, spent hours in the gym, lifted heavy weights, was cute and tiny...   yeah, I still had that tiny bit of padding over a soft lower tummy.  Not a lot...but there was no muscle definition in my lower abs.  Actually, if I think about it, my mom was built the same way, just overall a mini version :)   My sister is built the same way, and a couple of my aunts are built the same way.   If we were all the same weight, our bodies would look rather similar.    It's fine, I have no bum, I have no outer thighs, this is just my body shape, and honestly, when not carrying around a whole bunch of extra weight, I'm quite happy with it.   I felt pretty awesome in my blue and white daisy bikini on our honeymoon ;)

So, knowing that I always have a bit of a belly, I just thought that this was my new shape, the extra belly.  I have a lot of extra weight on me right now.   I kind of assumed that a lot of the belly would go away if I lost a lot of weight (really...a lot).

The weight gain started when we were trying to have our first baby.    I got pregnant, we were so happy!   Harold was shocked because he knew I was taking the test, and he kind of discouraged it, because he was afraid I'd be let down again.   I wasn't!  It was positive!   That pregnancy did not last long.    We only knew for about a week, but it was devastating nonetheless.  That was in October of 2008.    We were told we could start trying again right away.   It felt like it took forever to get pregnant again, but in reality, it was not very long at all.    When we did get pregnant again, I was a wreak.   I was terrified.   Forget the happy blissful pregnant lady.  I was full of anxiety and fear.   A friend was telling me I just needed to trust in God.  Honestly, it was meant to be a great comfort, but it just made me feel worse.  I DID trust in God, but I didn't know His plan, and His plan could hurt, and it did.    

My midwife knew how nervous I was so she sent me for an ultrasound at about the 10 week mark.   Phew!  I could relax after that.    I was so nervous!   I went in, and waited, ....for a long time.... laying on the bed waiting for my fears to be alleviated.   The ultrasound tech left for awhile, and then came back in.     I had told her that "I just want to know that there's a baby in there!"   She said to me "well, there is a baby in there"  and went around and showed me it's head, and it's feet, and arms and body, and all the little details.    She measured it for me, told me it was showing that it was 10 weeks gestation.  Phew!  That's good!  That's only a few days off from my calculation!  Then she said, "but I can't find a heartbeat".   The only thing I could say was "oh", as I just stared at our dead baby on the screen.   She said "that's not good".   She didn't think I understood what she was telling me.  I did, but I just stared at our perfect little person, who was no longer alive, and apparently had just died very recently...but when?   Yesterday?    Last week?   This morning?  Did I drink to much water preparing for the ultrasound and crush him/her?  (seriously...my irrational mind went there).

We had a long drive home.  We had gone out of town so that we could get in sooner, because I was so nervous we wanted to know things were OK as soon as possible.    As we drove away from that ultrasound, I said to Harold "I don't know if I can do this again"  he just grabbed my hand and said "Ok".   After my first miscarriage I NEEDED to be pregnant again as soon as possible, but this time, I couldn't imagine ever doing it again.

It was nearly another week of being pregnant before things were "over".   People had started to notice that my body looked a little different.   Perhaps I was showing, or perhaps my belly was starting to bloat for miscarriage related reasons, but either way,  people were starting to wonder if I was pregnant.   People were starting to ASK if I was pregnant.    After all, I really was still pregnant...but I was pregnant with a dead baby.   My baby!

 I had to visit my family doctors office and explain to 3 people there, one after another, what was happening.   They couldn't understand.   They didn't understand how I could be pregnant if the baby was dead.   But I wasn't having a miscarriage?!?!  So the baby was fine!  No, I told them again and again, the baby has no heartbeat, the baby is dead.   But that's impossible!  Is it now?   SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!! YOU'RE DOCTORS!!!!   AND NURSES!!!    That took a lot of explaining and honestly they just didn't believe me.    It was at least an hour of exhausting explaining, over, and over, and having them look at me with blank she's so stupid this paranoid pregnant girl expressions.   So I had to go to another clinic in town.   At least there they knew what was going on.     They confirmed my baby was all there, but had no heartbeat.  They said it was too dangerous to go naturally and they wanted me to have a D&C.   Otherwise, he said, I'd just end up back in the emergency room needing a D&C then because of hemorrhaging.    Then he tried to send me over to the abortion clinic for the D&C because "miscarriage is really just an unplanned abortion"   or something to that effect.    I did not want to go to the abortion clinic.   I didn't think I could sit in the waiting room with women who didn't want their babies, when I so desperately wanted mine.    So, they sent us over to the hospital, where we were put on "board" which apparently meant that we were the last thing to happen, once everything else was done,  and they had an empty OR then it would be my turn.    The nurses were so very wonderful to me there.   We waited the whole day.   I think it was after 10pm when they took me in.    Lot's of other stuff went on here, and scared the crap out of my sweet Harold, but I'm not entirely sure how I ended up telling the story of my miscarriages instead of the story of my tummy...so... whoops!  I guess that's been waiting to come out. 
As we were driving away from the hospital it was after midnight.   I was super exhausted, there was talk about me needing to come back in to get some more blood pumped into me if I kept passing out in the days to come.   We looked at the clock on the dashboard and Harold said to me "oh, sorry sweetums, Happy Birthday"     That was June of 2009.

...and then I really started eating.  ...and eating.... and eating....  Apparently I find food tremendously comforting.   I especially find KFC comforting.   I ate a lot.    Whenever feeling blue, I ate... and ate...  somedays I'm still eating chocolate chips out of the peanut butter jar!

So yeah,  that's when I really started gaining weight, after the two miscarriages. 

The first month we were "allowed" to try again, we got pregnant.   WHAT?!  really.   We got pregnant, and had a good, though very depressed pregnancy.  Near the end I was much better emotionally.   I gained an enormous amount of weight.   Though I was actually pretty fit, and was walking about 1-2 hours every day near the end.   I felt really great physically, and I was so ready for this baby girl to arrive!

I had taken the natural childbirth class. I had read the books.  I was set up for breastfeeding.  I had a home waterbirth planned and my room was set up perfectly with all the supplies requested by my midwives.   I had food frozen.   The baby's room was done.   Her clothes were hung up, her diaper table was organized with all the supplies.  All the cloth diapers were prepped and ready to go.    Our little girl was DUE June 2nd, or 2010. 

...waiting....

Go to Part 3



2 comments:

JenEverAfter said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry you had to go through so much. I lost one in between my first and second babies. We saw the heartbeat very early-on, then a few weeks later, it was gone. It is already such a terrible situation, it's awful that your family doctor made you go through so much more.
I'm on the third week of the Tummy Team program. Looking forward to seeing the rest of your story! And if you're worried about posts being "too long," you should come over and take a look at mine. Once I start typing, I just can't stop!

Debbie said...

Thank you so much for commenting it was so encouraging to read. You know...I read your blog post a few days ago. I loved it, and giggled too. I should have left a comment. :D I'm off to leave you a comment now!