...but... I do find that Facebook also really gets me down. My need to have friends, and feel like I matter...which, I know..isn't the point of everything...insert whatever sermon you feel necessary to rebuke me for whatever personal sin I've committed for caring right here.
So much to do, and so much going on. So much to do right here at home, and yet I never get it all done. I'm always hopping on to do a quick check and see what new news is on my feed. Or to post a quick picture of the kids, or a funny thing that they've said. I waste a lot of time on these little things, but I don't consider recording things about my children, or talking with friends to be wasted time. The time is wasted when I just aimlessly wander of Facebook, there's no denying the waste there.
Sigh, I'm also far to prone to feeling left out, and FB let's me feel a little bit more included in the lives that are going on around me. I MISS you friends. I really do. I miss being a part of what was going on at church. I used to be involved. I used to feel like I was a part of well, something...
Which again...is NOT the point! I do realize that, but doesn't change the emotions.
FB has a way of making me feel included, but then occasionally, it makes me feel SO excluded. So on the outside, so alone, so ignored, so unwelcome, so unwanted.
Perhaps this feeling always hits at a time when I'm already feeling a little shakey. Shakey happens over here. I have to guard myself against shakey so that I can be a better wife, and a better mom, and not get caught up in feeling lonely when I'm surrounded by the very people who are the most important people in the world to me. How can I feel lonely, when MY people are right here?!?! Because I see what's going on somewhere else? I see what things are happening that I'm not apart of? How could I possibly be a part of everything?!? I see what other people are doing with their people, and that I'm not doing that with my people? Does that make the things we do less fun? Why in the world would these things matter.
Then there is the style of interaction of FB. So small, so superficial. Our relationship has widdled away to a series of clicks. I know we're friends because you "like" my photo, and I "like" your status update. Friend, I want to go out for coffee. Or better yet, ice cream! I will be frighteningly awkward in our conversation, because I'm just frighteningly awkward in social situations. You'll learn that about me quickly. I may be worse now than you remember, because now I've been out a lot less often, my head is more foggy, and I'm generally much more scattered and less with it. Social interaction makes me nervous, and even somewhat flustered. I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing, or having a booger floating in an out of one nostril that I probably can't even put a real sentence together. This is all helped by the fact that I don't get out much. And I'm sure this will all be made even better when I say that the chance of me actually being able to get out for that coffee or ice cream is about 50/50.
I have three small children. They're all at a stage that is...well....demanding, and sometimes really tiring. FB has let me feel like I still see you all, even though I haven't seen many of you in years.
I miss having knit nights at my house. Those were fun, chaotic, loud, REAL interactions. Sometimes we even did some knitting! Anyone interested in coming to knit nights again? Wouldn't be very often, maybe one ever couple of months.
Maybe I'm just going through a "thing" and I'll be right back to FB in two weeks...or maybe even two days.....two hours? I don't know.
I have wished for a long time that I blogged more, and was on FB less. I suppose that won't happen, unless I blog more, and go on FB less.
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