Sunday's Comin'

Sunday's Comin'

Weigh in Day!

Wooot!   I've lost 4.6 pounds in a week and a half!  

Having lost and gained and lost and gained the same few pounds since 2 weeks after Ruby was born it feels AMAZING to have broken that glass...well...I guess it's a glass floor now isn't it.   Yay! 

It's all about MDS these days...

The scrapbook...is coming along!

Oh My Oh My Dinosaurs!

Rebel YELL!

I am in LOVE with this program....

 

I'm trying to make a years worth of scrapbook pages...as quickly as possible!  I'm so far behind!

Rebel YELL!

I want to cry

I don't want to go back to work... ever...   I wouldn't mind a day here and there of Ruby in daycare...so I could get things done...but... I just don't want to go to work...I want her here with me.... and I don't want to go back to work!!!

As much as I feel like I'm constantly failing and falling short at this raising baby thing.... I want to be the one raising our baby.... I want us, her mom and dad to be the biggest influence in her life....

Oh man, Oh man, I so don't want to go back to work...   I'm so so sad about this today.

Starting now! ...well...actually yesterday...or...errr...the day before actually

So, on Tuesday (our 5th anniversary) I was done...just done being overweight.   I've thought I was done a few times since Ruby's birth, but I wasn't really there yet.  Now, I'm really there.  It's time to get back to me.   So, we thought it was time to actually sign up for a real weight loss program.  I've never done that before, seemed silly to me when you can just do it yourself.  Well, we went for a consult...and it was going to be around $1000 a month for the two of us...and we'd have to commit for a year...  and go there every day for the first two weeks, then at least 3 times a week after that for a year!  Ummm...what?!?!?  OK...so clearly we picked the wrong place!

I came home and signed up for the online Weight Watchers....  this is reasonable... it's about $20 a month.  I don't have to find transportation, no stupid expensive supplements that I don't need.

So, I started on Wednesday...  just tracking food, not worrying too much about going over, but logging all.  We went out for our anniversary dinner (the day after our real anniversary) and ate a crazy amount of delicious seafood...oh...so good!  So, that pretty much used up all my weekly points...ha!  but... I didn't actually go over!  I just have to be careful to stay to my daily points for the rest of the week....and....I can always do more exercise to get a few points.   We went for a nice hour long walk yesterday and I earned 4 points.  

Today was great.  I ate good food, healthy food, and a treat.  I feel satisfied, and I have 2 points left.   I think I can do this... I really really hope I can do this.

I added a ticker to my side bar for accountability.  It doesn't have my weight, just my weight lost....  My big goal is to lose 31 pounds.....  my long term goal is 51 pounds....but that's just too much to think about right now, and, we might want to have another baby before I can get that far!

A baby album in the making....

I made a scrapbook page for Ruby's non existent baby album during nap time today... (I did NOT do the dishes..oops) 

I got MDS!

I've been thinking about digital scrapbooking for awhile...mostly because what keeps me from getting pages done is actually getting the photos printed...figuring out ahead of time how to crop them....  which ones to enlarge, which sizes...and then... what if I change my mind.

So, a Stampin Up! demonstrator who's blog I'd been reading for ages had a great promo for the My Digital Studio program...and that made me take the leap.

I have so much to learn.  Some things are easier than I expected...some things are harder (I imagine I just need to learn how to use the program).

Here's my first try:

I actually bought this scrapbooking kit (the paper kind) when I was pregnant, so that I could make an album for my little Pickle... I'm only 10 months behind!  Imagine my delight when this is one of the paper sets that comes already installed with the software.  SCORE!

I used a layout from my book "Cherish" from Close to My Heart.   I love to use those books to help me with layouts...I'm NOT a natural with scrapbook layouts.

A place for craftiness

I often think about posting my crafty things, like sewing, knitting, spinning, cards or scrapbook pages, like I used to on my other blog.  But since it is really all about the baby now.... it seems weird to stuff a picture of yarn or a card in between all the baby pictures.  So, now all my craftiness has it's own place.  The blog name is the same as my Etsy shop name...  some things on this blog will be listed in my shop, or available for custom order, while others will just be my own personal crafty business, but, now it all has it's place.

Five years ago.....

5 years...

Wow,  So, We've been married for 5 years.   This is the first year that we won't be celebrating on the actual day...   we have secured childcare for tomorrow..yay!  So we will do our yearly trip to Red Lobster...Mmmmm...   to reenact our wedding meal... but I usually end up with more shrimp than lobster, and usually not steak at all because so close to summer I feel like I may as well cook that myself on the bbq...ha!

How amazing my life is.   How blessed I am!  What a wonderful husband (now a father) I have been given.  How can one person be so lucky..... well...they can't.  I am often struck by how undeserving I am of my life (yes...even though I totally whine about things...shame on me!),  what a gracious and merciful God I have, that He would give me all of this, despite who I am. 

I looked back through our wedding photos...wow...   I love them.....  I loved my dress...I felt amazing....  it was the one and only time in my life that I have ever been happy with my body and how I looked, even if I did still think I needed to lose 15lbs.   Here I sit 5 years later, 54 lbs heavier than when we left for our wedding.  Wow, that is motivating (please, let that be motivating enough) to finally kick things into gear and lose this weight...UGG... I hate being huge... HUGE....  it must end....

...now...where are those chocolate chips....

Breaking me......

The more time I have to reflect on all the circumstances and "trials" surrounding Ruby's birth and our early days....the more and more I see how God is still constantly having to break me.   I must be the thickest person!  

Why, after all this time, am I still so stubborn about my self-reliance....my strength (both physical and emotional), my attachment to pain tolerance (which for some reason makes me feel powerful and strong), the thought that I just have to be stubborn enough and I can do it.  The thought that if other women can do it, well then of course I can.  

Well,   there you go.... I sooooo fancy myself tough, and strong, and able to do it on my own.... and I don't even know it.    All the time I pray and tell God that I want things according to His will, and His way, and His timing.....and that I know all my strength comes from Him, and that I can do nothing apart from Him.   It would seem, that even though I try to say that, and try to think that, and actually believe that I DO think and believe that....it's still not in my heart. 

So all this time when I wonder why God would want things to go this way...why God would want it to be so much more than I can handle...  I guess it's because as much as I have said that I'm relying on Him...and my strength is in Him...and all according to His will.   In reality....there is a place in my heart, that I haven't been able to change, and it isn't listening to my head, the head that is submitting to Him..... that place in my heart that I didn't even know existed is still very very stubborn, and unable to give up my own strength and self reliance and the deep down thoughts and belief that I am strong!  I am tough!  and I can do it all myself! 

No... no I can't...  He has shown me again,  by taking me so far beyond what I can handle, that I can do nothing without Him.  All the credit, all the glory, belongs to Him.  All the strength, all the power, and yes, all the pain tolerance :)  belongs to God.  Myself, I can do nothing.  He has had to break me AGAIN!    I really really hope I learn this time....because man.... getting broken is no fun...no fun at all!

Looking back....

Wanted a no drug home water birth - Had a horrible 27hr hospital birth with pitocin, epidural, 1.5 hours of stitching, no healing, surgery 8 months later…frankengina

Wanted to breastfeed - Had defective boobies, and a starving baby… bottle and formula feeding

Wanted to do at least some babywearing - Couldn’t walk or sit normally for so long, that it wasn’t really an option…and haven’t gotten around to it now…I still use her little pouch/pocket thing sometimes though

Wanted to keep my weight gain to 30lbs max - Gained at least 50

Wanted all baby weight gone by 4 months post-partum - Still couldn’t exercise then… just starting now…still at 2 week post partum weight…and 50lbs up

Wanted a flexible schedule…for my own sanity - Ruby put herself on one…and it’s great for us

Wanted to be bright and shiny - post partum depression

Wanted to enjoy the early days with my baby - Was so unprepared for just how bad it would be

Wanted to cloth diaper - Yes! Still going on this...and we love it!  One out of 50 ain’t bad right?

Wanted to be a mom - I’m a mom! And she’s amazing. Our gift from God, and none of the above matters one little bit

A week (or so) in pictures....

March 31, 2011 She LOVES modelling knitwear for me :)

March 31, 2011  I'm a big girl...and I can hold my own bottle....but only when I want to!

March 31, 2011   Auntie Nica spelled my name in my cheerios!

Same picture...different angle... see how cute I am!

April 4, 2011 -  I cried almost the whole day!  ..but look how sweet I am for the few minutes I sat quietly and happily to "read"

April 6, 2011 - Myah stands at the door and looks out, for hours every day...  Now..Ruby has started joining her there.  Myah and Ruby.....best friends.   They both love the other SO MUCH!

April 6, 2011 - A super duper fun playtime with Grandma and Grandpa today!!!   Woot!

Hmmm, was that you God?

So,  one of my major issues is a near paralyzing issue with social anxiety.  I used to have knit nights, and go out to things and it was fun fun fun, but, not so much in the last few years.  It seems that when stressed or going through "stuff" my crazies get bigger and bigger. 

One of those crazies being a rather compulsive germophobia, like, to the point that I can't eat public food (I consider open bowls of chips, cheese and cracker trays, and any sort of serve yourself buffet to be public food), the other being a rather intense social anxiety.  The idea of being a greeter at church is absolutely terrifying... as is anything that would involve me being on stage (more on that later) and meeting new people. 

In fact, when I meet new people I almost never remember their names, and I could even forget their faces.  It's not because I don't care, it's because I'm concentrating so hard on not crying or throwing up, and trying to not seem too nervous that I forget everything...everything.  I frequently not only forget people's names, but I forgot tell them my name as well.  Eg.  person "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Sally"  me "Hi! Nice to meet you"  notice...no mention of my name... and I'm confused by why the person is looking at me funny...until much later...

So, On Sunday when I saw someone that I knew I'd never met before, and felt like I needed to go say hi to her, it was not a normal or comfortable occurrence for me.  First, I wondered if she was new to our church...but really, just because I've not seen her doesn't mean that she hasn't been there for months, it's a really big church now, and we have two services, and most of the time I'm rushing around to pick up baby, or find H or what have you....    Second, ummm, I don't randomly walk up and talk to people...this is terrifying.

So, I tried to ignore it, but it didn't go away.   So I prayed that if God wanted me to go and talk to this person, He wouldn't let me forget (I forget a lot too).  And...well, He didn't let me forget.  I went and said hello, and had someone else (who's way better at social than I am) talk to her too.  So, after all that rambling for such a simple occurrence....  the whole point of my post is that I'm wondering "So, was that you God?".  And it strikes me as pretty obvious.  Yes, that was God.  So, why do I question it so?  Well, perhaps because I've been so wanting to hear from God lately, and wondering if I do, or if I'll hear, or if I'm just numb and unable to hear.  So, I've been praying, and God answered.  He always does.... I suppose I just worry, that I'm unable to hear Him.