Monday, April 04, 2011

Hmmm, was that you God?

So,  one of my major issues is a near paralyzing issue with social anxiety.  I used to have knit nights, and go out to things and it was fun fun fun, but, not so much in the last few years.  It seems that when stressed or going through "stuff" my crazies get bigger and bigger. 

One of those crazies being a rather compulsive germophobia, like, to the point that I can't eat public food (I consider open bowls of chips, cheese and cracker trays, and any sort of serve yourself buffet to be public food), the other being a rather intense social anxiety.  The idea of being a greeter at church is absolutely terrifying... as is anything that would involve me being on stage (more on that later) and meeting new people. 

In fact, when I meet new people I almost never remember their names, and I could even forget their faces.  It's not because I don't care, it's because I'm concentrating so hard on not crying or throwing up, and trying to not seem too nervous that I forget everything...everything.  I frequently not only forget people's names, but I forgot tell them my name as well.  Eg.  person "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Sally"  me "Hi! Nice to meet you" mention of my name... and I'm confused by why the person is looking at me funny...until much later...

So, On Sunday when I saw someone that I knew I'd never met before, and felt like I needed to go say hi to her, it was not a normal or comfortable occurrence for me.  First, I wondered if she was new to our church...but really, just because I've not seen her doesn't mean that she hasn't been there for months, it's a really big church now, and we have two services, and most of the time I'm rushing around to pick up baby, or find H or what have you....    Second, ummm, I don't randomly walk up and talk to people...this is terrifying.

So, I tried to ignore it, but it didn't go away.   So I prayed that if God wanted me to go and talk to this person, He wouldn't let me forget (I forget a lot too).  And...well, He didn't let me forget.  I went and said hello, and had someone else (who's way better at social than I am) talk to her too.  So, after all that rambling for such a simple occurrence....  the whole point of my post is that I'm wondering "So, was that you God?".  And it strikes me as pretty obvious.  Yes, that was God.  So, why do I question it so?  Well, perhaps because I've been so wanting to hear from God lately, and wondering if I do, or if I'll hear, or if I'm just numb and unable to hear.  So, I've been praying, and God answered.  He always does.... I suppose I just worry, that I'm unable to hear Him.

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