The more time I have to reflect on all the circumstances and "trials" surrounding Ruby's birth and our early days....the more and more I see how God is still constantly having to break me. I must be the thickest person!
Why, after all this time, am I still so stubborn about my self-reliance....my strength (both physical and emotional), my attachment to pain tolerance (which for some reason makes me feel powerful and strong), the thought that I just have to be stubborn enough and I can do it. The thought that if other women can do it, well then of course I can.
Well, there you go.... I sooooo fancy myself tough, and strong, and able to do it on my own.... and I don't even know it. All the time I pray and tell God that I want things according to His will, and His way, and His timing.....and that I know all my strength comes from Him, and that I can do nothing apart from Him. It would seem, that even though I try to say that, and try to think that, and actually believe that I DO think and believe that....it's still not in my heart.
So all this time when I wonder why God would want things to go this way...why God would want it to be so much more than I can handle... I guess it's because as much as I have said that I'm relying on Him...and my strength is in Him...and all according to His will. In reality....there is a place in my heart, that I haven't been able to change, and it isn't listening to my head, the head that is submitting to Him..... that place in my heart that I didn't even know existed is still very very stubborn, and unable to give up my own strength and self reliance and the deep down thoughts and belief that I am strong! I am tough! and I can do it all myself!
No... no I can't... He has shown me again, by taking me so far beyond what I can handle, that I can do nothing without Him. All the credit, all the glory, belongs to Him. All the strength, all the power, and yes, all the pain tolerance :) belongs to God. Myself, I can do nothing. He has had to break me AGAIN! I really really hope I learn this time....because man.... getting broken is no fun...no fun at all!