Monday, April 11, 2011

Breaking me......

The more time I have to reflect on all the circumstances and "trials" surrounding Ruby's birth and our early days....the more and more I see how God is still constantly having to break me.   I must be the thickest person!  

Why, after all this time, am I still so stubborn about my strength (both physical and emotional), my attachment to pain tolerance (which for some reason makes me feel powerful and strong), the thought that I just have to be stubborn enough and I can do it.  The thought that if other women can do it, well then of course I can.  

Well,   there you go.... I sooooo fancy myself tough, and strong, and able to do it on my own.... and I don't even know it.    All the time I pray and tell God that I want things according to His will, and His way, and His timing.....and that I know all my strength comes from Him, and that I can do nothing apart from Him.   It would seem, that even though I try to say that, and try to think that, and actually believe that I DO think and believe's still not in my heart. 

So all this time when I wonder why God would want things to go this way...why God would want it to be so much more than I can handle...  I guess it's because as much as I have said that I'm relying on Him...and my strength is in Him...and all according to His will.   In reality....there is a place in my heart, that I haven't been able to change, and it isn't listening to my head, the head that is submitting to Him..... that place in my heart that I didn't even know existed is still very very stubborn, and unable to give up my own strength and self reliance and the deep down thoughts and belief that I am strong!  I am tough!  and I can do it all myself! 

No... no I can't...  He has shown me again,  by taking me so far beyond what I can handle, that I can do nothing without Him.  All the credit, all the glory, belongs to Him.  All the strength, all the power, and yes, all the pain tolerance :)  belongs to God.  Myself, I can do nothing.  He has had to break me AGAIN!    I really really hope I learn this time....because man.... getting broken is no fun at all!

1 comment:

Jon & Christa said...

Thanks for being willing to share this... with me... you know it is my story too. Must be some serious stubborn necks we have, but so amazing that He doesn't give up on us!