Merry Christmas!

I attempted to take Christmas photos the other day.  Attempted... 

they're still pretty cute though, eh?!

I just can't keep up!

So, I've pretty much stopped blogging.  I should just admit it, I can't blog consistently.

I am all over Instagram, Facebook, and Ravelry, but I'm just not a blogger I guess.  

October 23, 2014

Today I submitted my “before” photos for the Isabody Challenge. It's 16 weeks, and there are some serious perks to completing it.

Yesterday was my first modified cleanse day. It was easier than I expected, and I really wasn't ravenous at dinner, so I didn't eat a huge amount. I definitely had a smaller serving than I normally would.

Last night I wrote this to a friend, because I was kind of amazed. Oh! The vanity! It comes shining right through in this paragraph. I shouldn't even post such a thing, but I did type it, so here it is now for all to see. “oh..but my face looks amazing tonight! I seriously stared at myself in the mirror for like 30 seconds! What?!?! There is no puffiness anywhere…. my skin looks all good and tight and lovely… and I look thin and glowy!
I'm not sure if I looked any better than this on my wedding day! ha!”

And today I woke up and didn't really care whether or not I had coffee. WHAT?!?! Well, of course I did have one anyways, because it's habit, but it made me wonder, do I really need it. Perhaps it's just comfort. It is comfort, definitely comfort, warm soothing creamy (yes, creamy…but not sugary, bleck) goodness.

I have plenty of energy today. Not hyper energy, just active energy. I've not been struggling, and waiting all day for nap time, so that I could crash on the couch and catch a half hour sleep while Ruby colours. I'm looking around at all the productive things I could be doing instead. I vacuumed upstairs! (still haven't done the stairs…eeps). I have no desire for a nap!

Well, because I posted that photo the other day of where I started, I thought I'd post a current photo. It's full of that awkward “I'm taking a picture of myself with a timer and running to get in the picture and this just feels really awkward all around”, but here it is. There is a dark shadow running all up the left side of me in the current picture, so I look a little thicker than I am, but I've still got a long way to go.

So, that's about what 40 lbs looks like.

nevermind..that picture just won't work..ha.

Thursday October 23, 2014 - Accountability Post

According to my scale I'm down a pound, but since I fluctuate a good 3 lbs, I won't believe it until it stays gone for at least two weeks.

Today was my "cleanse" day, which is really sort of a fast day.  I have been super skeptical of all things called "cleanse".  I resisted this for a long time.   What do you mean by cleanse?!?!   nope...nothing gross,  haha, it's just a fast day, but you have nutritional support during it.   No feeling faint, no walking around starving dreaming of food.  It's shockingly easy.   I am doing modified cleanse days, because I don't want to give up my sit down dinner with my family.  So I break the fast at dinner time.   Hey, you've got to make things work around your life, not the other way around right?

Now that my day of work is done, I think I'm going to sit down with a couple of squares of dark chocolate and some knitting before bed.   

#happyday 

Tuesday October 21 & Wednesday October 22 Accountability Post

Oct 21 results:
What was that I said I was doing yesterday. Oh right... a lot of things. Yesterday was both good and bad. I can proudly say that the leftover Ben & Jerry's won't be tempting me anymore!  I took care of it, but as it turns out, there wasn't much left.

So, checkmarks for staying on track with:
Breakfast
Lunch
"good" snack
School with Ruby

Sad faces for things that did not get done, or that didn't stay on plan:

I did not get the stairs vacuumed, but I did snuggle Olive a lot, so that's even 
Spaghetti sauce didn't get done, so dinner wasn't what it was supposed to be.
I finished off that ice cream...which really, was the responsible thing to do right! Ok, no,...but... today is a new day!

TODAY: Oct 22nd.
Breakfast - good
Lunch - good
Dinner - making that spaghetti sauce right now... but it's got some venison in it..and I'm worried that I won't like it. I'm finicky.
Evening - 2 or 3 squares of dark chocolate.... that's IT!!! (I can do this!)

Other To-Do:
School - Ruby rocked school today. - DONE
Make spaghetti sauce - yes! finally! - DONE
Turn in my 50% for my OWL (this is a knitting project/game thing) - DONE
Take body measurements to I can track success - DONE
Pay bills - (pause..waiting... going to do that now) - DONE
My first piano lesson! - CAN'T WAIT!

Note:  This is posted late, because I forgot to publish it to blogger. 

How about I just start over.

Well, Hello there accountability partner!   What?  You know nothing about this, you say?  Well, in case you didn't know, I'm a bit of a false starter, and a restarter, and sometimes even a nonstarter.   So, you, dear friend reading this (Bueller?  Bueller?)  are my new motivation.   You are going to keep me accountable.   Knowing that I'm posting to YOU everyday, is going to keep me moving ahead.   Or, so that's the plan.   

Things to remind myself:  This is a journey!  I've been working on improving my health and my fitness for almost exactly a year now.   The difference is really amazing.   I feel so much better!  But, I still have work to do.  Now is not the time to grow complacent.   My original goal, was to be back at my starting weight (or final destination, whatever feels right) by the time Olive is 2 years old.    That will be May of 2015!   That's completely obtainable, if I actually stick to it, and do the work, I could reach it by Christmas, 5 months early!

Plan of the Day:

Morning:  (already done)

Coffee with real cream - just back away slowly, I was up much of the night with Olive.

Isalean Shake - Creamy Dutch Chocolate

Ionix Supreme - come on body, winter is coming, get that immune system on alert

Ageless Essentials for Women (AM pack) - this is a little packet of vitamins and supplements, there is an AM and a PM pack, I'm just taking the AM pack one day, and the PM pack the next so it will last twice as long.   That's cheating.   I'm Ok with that.   

WATER - I've already drank about 20 ounces.   I often forget to drink water.  Now that I've given up diet pop (except for the occasional treat) I sometimes forget to drink anything at all.   I decided a couple of weeks ago, (and a month ago, and the month before that) that I'm really going to concentrate on this goal.  First off, I want to start making sure I'm drinking at least 6 regular 8 ounce glasses a day.   Then I'll increase it from there.  

Lunch:  

Isalean Shake

WATER!

Snacks:  Not sure yet, but I'll try to keep it "good" .  WATER!

Dinner:  I'm planning to make spaghetti sauce today, but I'm not sure if I'll get to it.

Water, Water, more Water.

Evening:  OH!  This is the hard one!  Ok, full confession, last night after dropping a package off and the post office at Shoppers, I bought some Ben & Jerry's.  It was delicious.   Half of it is still in the freezer, and I totally grabbed a spoon at 2:30am when I was trying to get Olive back to sleep.   

Movement?  Well, Honestly, I don't think I'll be getting a real workout in today.  

BUT, I'm counting housecleaning, because I still need to vacuum the stairs, and with our beast of a vacuum, that's really a workout.

We aren't making it to bible study, because Olive is getting over a cold, is teething like crazy, and was up much of the night (See above comments about coffee, and 2am ice cream).

We have a school lesson to do this morning, and I need to fit in my own bible study.  I'm behind of the women's bible study.  Bah!   

That right there, with three kids at home, is a full day.  Actually, it's likely more than a full day.   Something will likely slip, but I'm going to try.   I'd better stop droning on, and go do something.   

Here's my "before", I'll update with a current photo sometime this week.   This was taken last June, at my heaviest when I was still trying to breastfeed Olive and couldn't cut out anything or instantly lost supply.   It felt like crap to be that overweight, but looking back, I'm actually pretty happy that I just focussed on feeding Olive, and decided to worry about the weight later.   I wouldn't change that, she's beyond worth it.  

Note:  Apparently...I don't know how to hit "publish" so this is out of order. :)

Update November 2015:   I did it!  I had totally reached that goal by May of 2015.  In January of 2015 I joined an awesome group, and we went to town on the healthy habits.  I started getting up at 6am every morning to exercise, and worked more on healthy meals for the whole family, and continued with Isagenix.   GOALS ACHIEVED! 

Running back to Weight Watchers....and still loving Isagenix

It's Tuesday again!  That means Tuesday Night Running Group is tonight!  Woo hoo!

I'm a little worried...my knees have been super sore.  I'm so glad I found this group, because Chrystal said she's not going to progress the runs until she thinks we're all ready for that.  Which is wonderful, because I've never been able to move through one of these programs as fast as most people.  

Oh...and I joined Weight Watchers again yesterday. Boo!  I hate you Weight Watchers, and I love you.   I love the results, I don't love the tracking.  I don't love realizing how much food I've been eating, and I don't love being hungry.  Haha.  

I've been doing Isagenix on and off for months, and I haven't lost a pound...ya know why...cuz I've not been doing the plan.  There isn't really much wiggle room.  There are no built in splurges, and when I say splurge, I'm not talking about a teeny square of dark chocolate, I'm talking about a big splurge.   I think that's why I always fail at these more strict plans, or eventually go off of them.  I need wiggle room, and I also need something to pull me back, so that the wiggle doesn't turn into an all out boogie.  On WW, I get treats.... I can have little, or big, splurges, and if I keep everything else in check then it all stays on plan.  On Isagenix, or other plans, I break the rules, and then I'm just off...rolling down the hill stuffing my face with potato chips and chocolate bars because "tomorrow I'll start again" so I go all out on that splurge.   Moderation has never been my strongpoint.

I'm still using Isagenix stuff, because seriously...it's so easy, and I really, really do love the shakes and the Isalean bars.   A shake is 6 weight watchers points, and it leaves me feel full, way, way longer than a normal meal with 6 points does.   I was recently criticized rather unexpectedly from someone who I really thought would be supportive, for starving myself on a liquid diet.   I have so many things I want to explain about that, and how it's not true, but really, does it matter.   I hadn't even had Isagenix for breakfast that day!   As I've learned, aside from the weekly splurge points, the Isagenix plan leaves me feeling more full, and I'm pretty sure would top out at more calories than what I'm getting on Weight Watchers.   So, if I'm starving myself at all, it's not because of the Isagenix.  I'm also finally getting protein, fiber and CALCIUM when I drink the isagenix shakes, which I pretty much never, ever get when I'm just eating regularly.   

Anyways.  Weight Watchers again...the one I always come back to.  I always do well for awhile and then I lose steam, then I try other things, then I come back.  ha.   I'm glad it's about the cheapest structured weight loss system you can get.  

Isagenix is helping me have easy access to meals with all the "stuff" I need to keep me going, at low points values.  I'm using them when I need them, but just eating "regular food" if I have something suitable that won't blow all my points too.  

About 30 or 40 more pounds to lose.   I'm hoping it makes my knees happier when I'm running, and that running helps the weight loss along.  

Oh, and I'm ditching Runkeeper, because I'm so frustrated by it.   It usually doesn't log most of my info and I have to go back in and redo it from memory.  Now I'm trying to decide between MapMyRun and Strava.   

Strava seems....complicated.... but I want to like that one... 

I guess neither matter if I can't find a way to carry my phone with me, since I don't have anything else to use, and it seems a bit presumptious to buy a Garmin when I'm only running a total of 8 minutes a workout!

What do people do?  Carry their phones?  Does everyone have a running watch?  Are there smaller devices that can be used for this?  I like to log and track things.  I know it's not necessary, but I love it. Help me.

Edited update Nov 2015:  When I finally fully followed the Isagenix plan, everything changed.  My energy soared, I slept better, I was happier, I was less hungry, and had less cravings.   I finally did it a few months after this post, and I've never looked back! 

The Tuesday Night Running Group

I've been on this "I want to run" kick lately.   I found a post on kijiji about a running group that is free, and it meets at 8:30pm on Tuesdays.   Which is pretty much the perfect time for me.  I can get the kids to bed, or at least 2 of 3, and then go.  Which leaves Harold with just one bedtime, and then some free time for himself (assuming that the last bedtime goes well, and also that the other two stay in bed...it's a gamble).    I found the add, and messaged her, and BAM!  the first night was starting just a couple of days later!  I made it on time for the first meet up!   The timing was really kind of perfect.  I'm so happy that it worked out this way.

The first session was last night.  I was pretty nervous.  I've done a "learn to run"f before (years ago) and it felt hard, and it progressed much faster than I could progress.  This was great!    We did a 5 minute walk to warm up, and then we did 8x (1min run, 2 min walk).   It was perfect.  I was tired by the end, but I could have squeezed out a bit more.  My tummy was getting tired near the end though, and I don't think I'd have been able to do much more while keeping my tummy tight.  I kept trying to remind myself "tummy tight".

Now the best part.  Before we started, we were talking about our history and telling Chrystal our running background/history/lackthereof, and I thought I should tell her about my diastasis.  I was a little hesitant.  I've really not met many people who know about it, and if they do, they don't think it can be helped.   I said (and I hope it wasn't insulting.... I just really didn't expect that she'd have a background in this) "I'm not sure if you know a lot about diastasis?"  AND SHE DID!!!   Then words are flying around like "transverse" "holds you together" "no crunches" "bellybutton in" "tummy tight"  AHHHHH!   I was floored!  And SO happy!    Getting near the end she was actually reminding me a couple of times to hold my tummy tight.   She's fabulous!

Oh...and perhaps really motivating... pardon me for noticing, but she's long and lean and gorgeous, so...it's a bit of a kick in the pants to be jogging next to someone who looks fantastic.  It's kind of like posting a picture of your goal weight (except... she's way beyond my goal weight...and height) on the fridge to remind you throughout the day...except... the picture is running beside you.  Haha!  Ok..I'm weird.

Anyways, the running felt great!   My knees really hurt the first running minute...then we talked a little about form, and to try not to heel strike, but do more of a forefoot landing pattern, which I knew, but wasn't really getting.   SO. MUCH. BETTER!   My knees thanked me almost immediately, also,...I kind of felt like I was flying.  It was so much easier.   I felt light and bouncy...well..as light and bouncy as one can be at 40lbs overweight.  

About half way through, I knew I'd hit that happy point.  I felt amazing. Perhaps that's one small benefit of being so out of shape, you don't have to do nearly as much to reach that endorphin rush. :P

My knees are complaining a bit today, but overall I feel pretty good.   I hope I can keep it up.  Knowing we're meeting up again in a week will give me the kick in the butt I need to actually get out on my own, so that I'm not the only one who hasn't kept up.  

A Good Father

So, Father's Day slipped by.  With a card from the kids, lot's of snuggles, and...well...a lot of being a Dad that day.   That's how Harold got to celebrate Father's Day.   It's kinda fitting, since I celebrated Mother's Day in the ER with Jude.   Harold celebrated Father's Day by hanging out with our family.  Taking Ruby and Jude in the pool, and loading and unloading a minivan.  :D

A few oldies but goodies:

He's pretty amazing.   He went in a little bit late to work yesterday so that he could help get things ready for Ruby's birthday party.   He had to come home for a couple of hours today, because I had to go have an ultrasound and we don't have anyone to watch our kids, other than us.  He's got a lot of stress at work, and boy, does he ever need a vacation, but he doesn't come home and "check out" he never, ever does that.   He's the most hard working, involved dad I know.  He changes diapers, feeds bottles, plays with, cares for, disciplines, and everything in between.   

I saw this on Facebook today...and I grabbed it.   It's perfect.

I am so, so, so, grateful that my children have such a good father.  

She's 4!

This incredibly sweet, smart, funny, caring, sensitive, fiery, beautiful girl, turned 4 years old yesterday.  To say that I think she's amazing, just doesn't quite cut it.   I just don't have the words to express the feelings I have towards this little peice of God's perfection.   

She had a pretty HUGE birthday party.   Few things have left me more stressed leading up to it.   I felt totally unprepared, and worried that the whole thing would be a gigantic disorganized mess.  Then.... it was calling for rain, not just rain, but thunderstorms!  Ahhhhhh!!!!   If you saw the size of my living room, you'd know why I was panicking a wee bit.   There just is not space in my house for that many people. Outside?  SURE!!!   I was counting on outside.  

I prayed...lol...I prayed for sunshine, and no rain, and Thank you, Lord!   It didn't rain!   

Even with all the wonderful friends we had over, I was really missing a few people...  I found myself saying all the time to myself that I really wanted to invite "this person" and "that person" and it was making me feel both a little bit sad, and a little bit bad, because I just don't want anyone left out!...  but then I had to remind myself that I really didn't have all that much room, and I really wasn't organized at all, and I really didn't have anything planned other than "people come over, children play, we give them food and cake".  That's the extent of my epic party planning skills.   There have just been so many things going on.  If you'd have told me when I was working full time, that I'd be so busy when I was staying home, I don't think I'd have believed you.  

Alas, the party seemed to be a hit!  It was hot.  There were wonderful little children running and playing everywhere.  There was a bouncy house (for a little while) and a sprinkler, some popsicles, cake and cupcakes, and wonderful gifts from Ruby's friends.   Some moms got a chance to sit and chat, between running after kids, taking pictures and administering popsicles and freezies.

There were overcooked chicken fingers, and undercooked (and some overcooked) fries, sugar laden juice "cocktail" and ketchup as far as the eye could see.      

I, of course, sent them home with noisemakers in their goodie bags.  Sorry parents.  

I wanna quit the gym.

All Harold and I can think of when we talk about this is the Friends episode where Chandler and Ross end up with a join chequing account.  

So, I joined the YMCA way back in October.  It was AMAZING!!!  ...for a week.   Then we got sick (obviously that was going to happen).   But we didn't just get sick.  Well, we all just got sick, Olive got so sick that it took her months to recover.   She was in emergency a few times, and it was weeks of my little sweety unable to eat without vomiting and having the most horrible diarrhea and bleeding, not just bleeding from the diaper rash, she had that too, but blood in her poop, bleeding from her poor baby intestines because she was sick for so long.  It took her poor little tummy so long to heal.  It was months of titrating her back onto a formula that had some lactose in it.   

Anyways, I think that's what did it.   I was all over the gym idea, until she got sick.  Then even when she was better, I was advised to keep her out of there for a bit longer.   Then the colds started, and those never end. I know it was a bit of a psychological thing for me, there was a bit of fear of seeing my baby so sick again, and not being able to do anything to help her.   It kind of felt like a rational fear.  And then it was months... months of paying for the membership and not using it.   

I felt OK about that because the kids would get their swimming lessons included with the membership.  Then I went to register them for the swimming lessons, and... WE COULDN'T GET IN!!!  That was the reason I was still holding on it the Y membership.  So... we're done.

Now I'm trying to actually USE the Fit2B membership that I have.  Instead of $110 a month, it's $11 a month (once you exchange the US currency for Canadian, it ends up being about $11 for me in Canadian funds).  Now it's even cheaper, because I bought a year membership on sale, for a little more than half the price of one month at the Y.   

...and now I'm actually using it.   I'm doing a video almost every day, or going for a walk.  I don't have to spend an hour packing the kids up and getting there, I can just sneak in 10 or 20 or 30 minutes (Ok, I have yet to do a 30 minute video), while the kids are distracted playing.   I love the lack of rush.  It's calm, relaxed, and fits in whenever I need it to.   I just did a challenge at shower time.  I've done a quick workout on my bathmat before hopping into the shower, or a few exercises while I'm waiting for something to cook on the stove.   

So, I quit the gym.  

She's got LEGS

Check out our tadpole progress!  Legs!  They're growing legs!!!

A momentary spurt of motivation.

So, I want to run.   I don't know why.  I don't like running.  Running doesn't like me.  I've always been slow.  It's always hurt my shins.  It gets hot out.  I don't like being hot.   I don't know when to run.  I don't know how I'll do it.  I don't know if I can run.  I don't know if I should run (due to the diastasis).  

I got these shoes:

They are perhaps the most comfortable shoes in the history of shoes.   They are from Altra, and they are "zero drop" meaning that they don't have a heel the way most shoes do.  Basically my toes, and heel are the same distance from the ground...there is "zero drop", from the heel to the toe. 

I got this book:

I haven't read it yet.   I've only had a chance to read a few pages from the start.  It seems like it's written for...runners...of which I am not.   I still can't wait to get a chance to read it.   

Perhaps I'll be a walker?  Nothing wrong with that.  It is perhaps healthier for my body at the moment, and nearly guaranteed not to do damage and undo all the work I've done with the Tummy Team course.   Regardless, I need to find the time to walk for a couple of weeks before I try to do any running anyways, so that's where I am right now, but "running" just sounds better, feels more motivating.   Maybe it's the idea that I can't really do it with the kids.   I'd HAVE to sneak out on my own for a wee run.  

I don't know.  Not sure this running thing will get off the ground.  I'm not exactly the most diligent or consistent person I know.  I'm a fabulous starter, and we'll just leave the rest of that senten....

Cozy

I've started working on a little blanket for the living room.  Now that we have a new (to us) pull out couch, we have a space for guests, and a couch that seems to fit without needing a slipcover!   The colours in it will go with our new paint, but we do need a little blanket for the living room.   The kids and I are always using my little pink/red shawl, or Olive's knit baby blanket from Auntie Nica (which totally coordinates in the living room, but is a wee bit small.  

Seeing Olive's blanket in the living room made me think about making a blanket for us here, and since Nica gave me the two balls of that yarn that she had leftover, it seemed an obvious place to start.   I started pulling out odd balls of yarn from the stash.   (See!  It's GOOD to have a crazy amount of yarn at your fingertips!)   I have added new colours, and taken some colours away, but I've ended up with this pile of yarn to make a blanket out of:

I'm making the African Flower Hexagon crochet motifs.   (note:  I'm not actually using this tutorial, but it seems to be the most popular)

Here are the few little hexagons that I have so far.   They don't take long to make, but I will need  a LOT of them!

They are kinda fun, and a little bit addicting to make, especially since I want many different colour combinations so it's fun to pick the colours for the next block.  

Hmm, now....will I ever actually finish a whole blanket?  We'll see!  Ha!  Since I'm sooooo good at finishing.  :P

Toadpoles

So, this is happening at our house.

We got tadpoles!   I'm calling it a science lesson for the kids, but really, I always wanted to catch tadpoles when I was a kid and watch them go through metamorphosis.  I'm pretty sure that Harold and I are far more excited about this than the kids are.

We're also the people who can take a nearly free project and make it one of the more expensive projects.  Here is the current state of our "nearly free" kids project.   

 

Let's just say that since mom really misses having an aquarium, that she's pretty easily convinced of the necessity of this set up.    And it was on sale.   And when the frogs are done, I'm getting FISHES!!!!  I mean...ahem....the kids are getting a few fish...ya know...for educational purposes...to teach them responsibility and all that.  Yep,  that's the excuse I'm going with.  (((Squeeeee...I've got a tiny aquarium!!!)))

Oh...and I'm still totally on Facebook...I got so many new migraine suggestions yesterday!  Including one that sounds as close to a pedicure as a migraine therapy can get.  I pick that one!

Oh, and after a little googling, it turns out that our tadpoles are going to be toads, not frogs.  I don't care, look how cute they are!

Blog more....Facebook less.

I think it's time for me to leave Facebook for awhile.    I suppose I'm like almost everyone who is on Facebook, in that I both love it, and hate it.  I love that I feel like I can actually keep up with my friends that I miss, and want to see, but never actually see.  I love that we have the online relationships and can chat during the day, or once a week.   I love seeing pictures posted by friends, of their happy days, and their kids, or their fun activities.   I even love getting messages to pray for friends who have a sick child in the hospital.   I don't want to miss out on these things.

...but... I do find that Facebook also really gets me down.   My need to have friends, and feel like I matter...which, I know..isn't the point of everything...insert whatever sermon you feel necessary to rebuke me for whatever personal sin I've committed for caring right here. 

So much to do, and so much going on.   So much to do right here at home, and yet I never get it all done.   I'm always hopping on to do a quick check and see what new news is on my feed.   Or to post a quick picture of the kids, or a funny thing that they've said.  I waste a lot of time on these little things, but I don't consider recording things about my children, or talking with friends to be wasted time.    The time is wasted when I just aimlessly wander of Facebook, there's no denying the waste there.   

Sigh,  I'm also far to prone to feeling left out, and FB let's me feel a little bit more included in the lives that are going on around me.   I MISS you friends.   I really do.   I miss being a part of what was going on at church.  I used to be involved.  I used to feel like I was a part of well, something... 

Which again...is NOT the point!    I do realize that, but doesn't change the emotions.

FB has a way of making me feel included, but then occasionally, it makes me feel SO excluded.   So on the outside, so alone, so ignored, so unwelcome, so unwanted.

Perhaps this feeling always hits at a time when I'm already feeling a little shakey.   Shakey happens over here.  I have to guard myself against shakey so that I can be a better wife, and a better mom, and not get caught up in feeling lonely when I'm surrounded by the very people who are the most important people in the world to me.  How can I feel lonely, when MY people are right here?!?!   Because I see what's going on somewhere else?  I see what things are happening that I'm not apart of?  How could I possibly be a part of everything?!?   I see what other people are doing with their people, and that I'm not doing that with my people?  Does that make the things we do less fun?   Why in the world would these things matter.   

Then there is the style of interaction of FB.   So small, so superficial.  Our relationship has widdled away to a series of clicks.   I know we're friends because you "like" my photo, and I "like" your status update.    Friend,   I want to go out for coffee.   Or better yet, ice cream!   I will be frighteningly awkward in our conversation, because I'm just frighteningly awkward in social situations.   You'll learn that about me quickly.  I may be worse now than you remember, because now I've been out a lot less often, my head is more foggy, and I'm generally much more scattered and less with it.  Social interaction makes me nervous, and even somewhat flustered.  I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing, or having a booger floating in an out of one nostril that I probably can't even put a real sentence together.   This is all helped by the fact that I don't get out much.   And I'm sure this will all be made even better when I say that the chance of me actually being able to get out for that coffee or ice cream is about 50/50.    

I have three small children.   They're all at a stage that is...well....demanding, and sometimes really tiring.   FB has let me feel like I still see you all, even though I haven't seen many of you in years.   

I miss having knit nights at my house.   Those were fun, chaotic, loud, REAL interactions.  Sometimes we even did some knitting!  Anyone interested in coming to knit nights again?   Wouldn't be very often, maybe one ever couple of months.  

Maybe I'm just going through a "thing" and I'll be right back to FB in two weeks...or maybe even two days.....two hours?   I don't know.  

I have wished for a long time that I blogged more, and was on FB less.   I suppose that won't happen, unless I blog more, and go on FB less. 

Where I fall off track and pretty much suck - Part 6 of That Tummy Topic

This post should be dated February 20, 2014.   That's when it was written, but I really thought I was going to come and polish it up....complete it, add more.... I didn't,  so here it is.   I actually haven't blogged because I knew I needed to come and finish this post before posting more...haha.  How's that for champion procrastination!

So, here it is...  The post that hasn't changed since I first typed it, but took two and a half months to publish.

So, pretty much like everything in my life, I'm an awesome starter.   I'm also a terrible finisher.   I'm all in, but then fizzle out quickly.    This course was different.  It was so easy to do the things I needed to do,  and as I found out, even I couldn't totally mess it up, but I still did a pretty good job trying.   

Honestly, I had trouble in the first two weeks getting all those checks where they were supposed to be, but then the third week came, and the third week I felt like it all came together and it rocked.   I could do my holds standing up while cooking at the stove, or while brushing my teeth or whatever.  Honestly, I'd already been doing that because I really couldn't find enough times a day to sit in a chair for even 30 seconds and do them properly in the first two weeks.   I didn't know what was coming in week 3, and I was already feeling like a bit of a failure, so when I watched those videos and heard the new weeks plan I was so happy!

I know that sounds crazy, that I couldn't find 30 seconds to sit down.   I could find 30 seconds to sit down, I sit down all the time,  but I couldn't find 30 seconds to sit down without someone trying to climb on me, or some other disturbance.   Basically, with three kids aged 3, 1 and less than one, if I'm sitting, someone immediately runs over to climb on.  A few times a day, sure, I can get that time to myself, but not more than a few.  

Edit:  Updated May 10th.     I swear..there was more to this post... MORE... where did it go... not a clue.

Anyways, if I had published my whole post, I would have said that while I was a partial failure...iit turns out I wasn't.  Yep, that's right.  I took about 2 weeks off in the middle, days and days went by as I tried to find the time to catch up.  All I did was my transverse holds and squeezes and worked on trying to move right during the days.   I was SURE I had totally failed the course and that I was so so far behind and this was yet another thing that I didn't finish properly (I have a way with not finishing....) but as it turns out, when I finally got over my dread and just watched the videos, I had already naturally started doing the next things in progression.  WHAT!??!  Not failure?   Sweet!    I was behind on stretching, and I was behind on some of the learning, but I had not lost my progress, and I could just pick up, and keep moving.  PHEW!   

So now, that's where I'm still at.   Is my diastasis totally closed?  Nope.  Do I look better?  Yep!  Do I feel better?  SO MUCH BETTER!!!!     I think my biggest change in physical appearance was in the first few weeks.   I didn't change much in how I looked after that, but I did keep changing in how I felt.  I kept feeling stronger and stronger.   My back is SO MUCH BETTER!!!   It's an amazing difference.   

Kelly said at some point, either in the course or in the forum, that there are certain times of the month for us women, that we're more likely to have the back problems, if we have them, and I've absolutely experienced this.    I am still having a few days every month when my back aches, and I'm quite sure at any moment that I'm going to be turned into a pretzel, but, so far, with the stretching I've learned I've been able to keep it from clicking into the "bad!" position.   It's not a fun few days, but it's so much better than it used to be when I would end up locked into some contorted position unable to stand upright and in pain for a week.     

I still have a tummy....I still have a lot of weight to lose, but I'm down 31 pounds, and I'm still working on the things I learned in the Core Foundations course (somedays more than others) and I'm still trying to remember to stretch.   I think it will be a long process for me, but that's OK, because I have already changed so much, that even if I never progress further than this, life for me now physically, is so much easier than before. 

Actually talking about the course! - Part 5 of That Tummy Topic

There are other rambly parts to this story :)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

So, after finding out that I had a diastasis.  I was determined to fix it!   I read all the information I could find on the Fit2B and Tummy Team websites.  I read testimonials and reviews, I marveled at before and after pictures, and I read all about splinting and the magical transverse abdominus (happy anatomy flashbacks, I loved  anatomy and histology). 

I got a membership for the Fit2B site, and I ordered a splint that I thought looked the most comfortable to me.    The Tummy Team course was out.    I really wanted it, but it just wasn't in the budget.    Then.... there was a sale!   And we somehow ended up with a little bit more money than expected (gotta love when that happens) and I was able to put the course into our budget.

I started in early December.   Olive was 7 months old.   I still looked pregnant.   My diastasis was somewhere around 4 fingers at the belly button,  a little less on the top and bottom, but I'm not very good at checking.   It was deep though, and just squishy underneath.  I could just feel the sides with nothing at all below and I could feel a pulse when I pushed down.

I'd been doing Weight Watchers online at the same time, and just before Christmas I hit 20lbs lost.   The belly wasn't budging though, still all pregnant looking.    I have before pictures.   I did actually take them as suggested in the course.   So I'll just post them below for you.... HAAAHHAAHAHA!  Umm...no.  no I won't.    I will find photos, but they won't be bare belly photos.    Actually, right now, as I'm writing this I just looked back at those belly photos.   I haven't taken new ones,  I haven't lost anymore weight, but wow, the difference is pretty crazy.  I think I will go ahead and take after photos too, so I can really compare for myself.   I really wish I had the courage to show you the pictures, because it's really a bigger difference than I even realized.  I'm a little blown away right now. 

Here are two pictures of me from just after I started the course.  I started the course on Dec 6th. these are from Dec 11&12. The clothes don't help, and there is no side view, but, you get the idea.    Sorry, I'm just not tough enough to show my bare belly online :)

still looking kinda preggers

So, I started the Core Foundations program.   I watched the intro videos and felt like Kelly was talking specifically about me.   I was sitting in bed watching them on my iPad with my headphones before bed and I had to stop myself from shouting "YES!"  every time she said something.   You know some days you go to church and it's like the pastor wrote the sermon specifically to you.   Well, that's how I felt when I was watching the intro videos from the Core Foundations course.   Kelly was talking about ME!  She was describing MY body, and all the broken things that it did, or didn't do.   It was uncanny!

The first day I had so much trouble doing the exercises.   I couldn't do it.   I really couldn't do it at all.   Every time I tried to activate my transverse I just squeezed something else.   Every. Single. Time.    I am too far gone, I thought.   I'm in worse shape than those other people.   I can't do this.    I can't be helped.  I'm never going to get it.    Whine, whine, whine.   Wow, talk about easily discouraged!    I just kept trying, but I was so afraid of compensating, because you must avoid compensating, that I felt like I'd never get there.   I couldn't do anything without compensating, and I was having trouble and struggling with the fear that because I'd be compensating that I'd actually be making things worse instead of better.   

I just kept trying, and whenever I felt the compensating, I stopped.   I tried again later, I could do a hold for a couple of seconds maybe by the end of the first day, maybe it was the end of the first few days.   I'm not sure exactly when it started working but when I was finally able to engage my transverse it was seriously only for a couple of seconds at a time before I had to release and wait again till later.    I just kept doing it, all day long, over and over.   My checklists on the course sheet were not filled out because I didn't feel like I could actually properly check off any of those things.   

It was probably about day 4 before I felt like I could do a hold.    Still shorter than they're supposed to be, but the improvement was so fast!   I went from not being able to do even one hold for one second, to 4 days later being able to do real holds!   After waking up to that feeling and being able to do a hold it was all so much easier from there.  

I realized that without even thinking about it I was sitting properly at the dinner table, and in the car.   I started to actually feel more comfortable sitting properly.    I suddenly noticed that I looked a whole lot different in pants.  Yes, that's really what I meant to write.    Suddenly every time I walked into the bathroom the first thing that I saw was a difference in my belly.   A really big difference.   So quickly?!?!  How can this be possible!  My belly looks so much flatter.   I have still got a fair bit of extra weight on me, but I look very different.   The low roll was being pulled up, and in, and that looks a lot better.  That part that I've loathed, and that has made me feel like a failure, or lazy, or undisciplined, it was half gone. 

The pictures below are taken about 1 week after the pictures above.  These are from Dec 18 & 19.   The clothes help...yes they do.  I was trying to defrumpify, but it's still obvious I think how different I look.    There is only about 2 pounds difference in the first set of photos to these ones.  I think it looks more like there is 20 lbs difference.  Really...just 2. 

Apologies for my picture placements... I can't figure out how to properly format them. 

Abundantly Blessed - Part 4 of That Tummy Topic

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

So, after some fear, and a bit of uncertainty and some unfounded concerns about fertility, we were given these three awesome gifts from God.     Three amazing little people.   Three reasons to get up every morning.   Three reasons to laugh and smile.   Three reasons to STOP! and just look at them.   Three reasons to make sure I read my bible, because I can't teach them about Jesus if I don't know Him myself.   Three little individual persons,...so different, and so alike, and so perfectly perfect for us.

Near the end of my pregnancy with Olive, a friend of mine stood with me in the hallway at church and she said with tears in her eyes, that didn't it just feel like yesterday we weren't sure if we'd be able to have any kids  (We'd been told by the doctor at the fertility clinic after our second miscarriage that we would most likely have trouble, not to wait long, and to come back to him that he would take us)  and here we were expecting our third baby just a few years later.  

There are 22 months between Ruby and Jude, and then 12 months between Jude and Olive.

God blessed us abundantly, and quickly!

So, that's how I got here.   Where I sat in December 2013.   A now staying at home mom, to three sweet littles.   I felt like this is it now.   Since Olive's birth I've felt like now we are starting our life as a family.    That's a little hard to explain, and I'm not sure I get it myself, but I have felt like we're in a new season.

This new season is the one where I get things rolling.   Figure out the flow of our family.  How is it going to work.   How will I work through our days, run our house, teach our children and do all those things that my job entails.    It's also when I suddenly felt like now is the time for me to get my body back together.   I need my body to be put back together, so that I can take care of my family, and do my job, and be the mom.    The time is NOW!  We have arrived!!!  This is what I've always wanted, and dreamed of.     This is our house full of awesome with noise and dirt on it!  

Go to Part 5

The Babies!!! - Part 3 of That Tummy Topic

You can find part one here, and part two here.

So, I left off my last post with my due date for Ruby.    She was due June 2, 2010.  We waited, and waited.   I watched those home water birth plans get flushed down the toilet.    She was a full 2 weeks late, and let's just say that things did not go well.   There was a lot of fear, a lot of trauma, and a lack of care.     Luckily we're both OK, but I was damaged.   Really, quite damaged.      There is a whole long story that could go here, but since I rambled so much in my last post, and Ruby's birth is really a story of fear, humiliation, more fear, pain, exhaustion, fear, and pain, did I mention pain and fear.  I'll leave it alone.

I had surgery when Ruby was 8 months old and that helped a lot, but I was still in pain until after Jude was born.   My lovely OB raised her eyebrows, gave me a look of "what the heck is that" and went to work.   After Ruby my recovery took a little over a year and I was still in pain.   After Jude, my recovery was done in 6 weeks.  It really took the whole 6 weeks and it wasn't fun, but it was done, and I felt truly pain free.   Jude birth was GLORIOUS!  It was a fully medicalized hospital birth.  I had to be induced early because I had cholestasis.  I knew what was going on.   When he was having heart rate problems they were on it.   I was not afraid.   I did have an epidural, and it was a pretty awesome epidural.  I could feel everything, but it was not painful.   Pushing with Jude took 45 minutes.   Compared to the 2 1/2 hours for Ruby it felt so fast!  I felt awesome, so happy.   Jude's birth was really wonderful in every way.  I wouldn't change a thing (except maybe the recovery time).

My back started really going out when Jude was a few months old.    I would kink something, or pinch something and end up a pretzel.   It wasn't that uncommon.   I could tell my posture was different.  I knew my abs weren't what they used to be.  I knew my back problems were likely due to a weak core.    I didn't stand as straight anymore.   In particular, my shoulders rolled forward.  I have never had posture like this.   I grew up having people comment on how good my posture was.  I knew it was terrible now, but I didn't really know how to fix it. 

Jude also just did not sleep in the beginning.  I spent 2 or 3 hours every night sitting slumped but upright in a very uncomfortable chair, patting him and shushing him and rubbing his back for him to sleep.  He would sleep, but woke up every 15-20 minutes crying and I would pat and rub and he would go back to sleep....often with some farts :)    At 7 months old Jude started sleeping 7pm to 7am and he's still a sleeping champion!   We have a terrible time with him once it a while...it lasts about a week, we think we can't go on, then he goes back to 7-7 sleepy bliss.  That boy is like sleeping magic.  

I got pregnant with Olive when Jude was about 4 months old.   Luckily it wasn't too much longer before Jude started sleeping through the night!    Olive's pregnancy was an easy one again.    Ruby's was great, Jude's was terrible, Olive's was great.   I'm blaming the boys  :D  Just joking.

I had cholestasis again, so Olive was a c-section as she was breech.   I clearly can't position a baby properly, as both Ruby and Jude were posterior babies...but at least those two were head down!

So, I had the c-section.   That sucked.  I hated the actual c-section.  The first 4-ish days of recovery sucked too, although not nearly as bad as recovery after Ruby's birth.    Then I started to feel a lot better.   I have to say, the c-section was BY FAR the easiest recovery I had.    BY FAR!  YAY! SUNROOF EXIT FOR THE WIN!!!

Gosh!   Get on with the actually tummy course woman...sheesh...

yeah...sorry... who knew I'd ramble like this.   Next post...promise!  

Go to Part 4 here 
Go to Part 5 here

The history - Part 2 of That Tummy Topic

Warning:  Lots of oversharing going on here.   This is a good post to skip if you don't want to know too much about me :)  it's also turned out to be ridiculously long.   Snore...

Read Part 1 of That Tummy Topic here

So, last post I talked about finding out that I have a rather significant diastasis recti, and about finding the Tummy Team, and signing up for the online course.

I have so many things to say about this that I'm not sure if I'll be able to organize my thoughts well, but I'm going to try.   I apologize in advance if things seem....not quite put together right (ha..kind of like my tummy!).

So, I've never really liked my tummy.   I've always had a bit of extra padding there.  I've always carried weight there.  Even when I was a size 6 at our wedding and I worked out 5 days a week, spent hours in the gym, lifted heavy weights, was cute and tiny...   yeah, I still had that tiny bit of padding over a soft lower tummy.  Not a lot...but there was no muscle definition in my lower abs.  Actually, if I think about it, my mom was built the same way, just overall a mini version :)   My sister is built the same way, and a couple of my aunts are built the same way.   If we were all the same weight, our bodies would look rather similar.    It's fine, I have no bum, I have no outer thighs, this is just my body shape, and honestly, when not carrying around a whole bunch of extra weight, I'm quite happy with it.   I felt pretty awesome in my blue and white daisy bikini on our honeymoon ;)

So, knowing that I always have a bit of a belly, I just thought that this was my new shape, the extra belly.  I have a lot of extra weight on me right now.   I kind of assumed that a lot of the belly would go away if I lost a lot of weight (really...a lot).

The weight gain started when we were trying to have our first baby.    I got pregnant, we were so happy!   Harold was shocked because he knew I was taking the test, and he kind of discouraged it, because he was afraid I'd be let down again.   I wasn't!  It was positive!   That pregnancy did not last long.    We only knew for about a week, but it was devastating nonetheless.  That was in October of 2008.    We were told we could start trying again right away.   It felt like it took forever to get pregnant again, but in reality, it was not very long at all.    When we did get pregnant again, I was a wreak.   I was terrified.   Forget the happy blissful pregnant lady.  I was full of anxiety and fear.   A friend was telling me I just needed to trust in God.  Honestly, it was meant to be a great comfort, but it just made me feel worse.  I DID trust in God, but I didn't know His plan, and His plan could hurt, and it did.    

My midwife knew how nervous I was so she sent me for an ultrasound at about the 10 week mark.   Phew!  I could relax after that.    I was so nervous!   I went in, and waited, ....for a long time.... laying on the bed waiting for my fears to be alleviated.   The ultrasound tech left for awhile, and then came back in.     I had told her that "I just want to know that there's a baby in there!"   She said to me "well, there is a baby in there"  and went around and showed me it's head, and it's feet, and arms and body, and all the little details.    She measured it for me, told me it was showing that it was 10 weeks gestation.  Phew!  That's good!  That's only a few days off from my calculation!  Then she said, "but I can't find a heartbeat".   The only thing I could say was "oh", as I just stared at our dead baby on the screen.   She said "that's not good".   She didn't think I understood what she was telling me.  I did, but I just stared at our perfect little person, who was no longer alive, and apparently had just died very recently...but when?   Yesterday?    Last week?   This morning?  Did I drink to much water preparing for the ultrasound and crush him/her?  (seriously...my irrational mind went there).

We had a long drive home.  We had gone out of town so that we could get in sooner, because I was so nervous we wanted to know things were OK as soon as possible.    As we drove away from that ultrasound, I said to Harold "I don't know if I can do this again"  he just grabbed my hand and said "Ok".   After my first miscarriage I NEEDED to be pregnant again as soon as possible, but this time, I couldn't imagine ever doing it again.

It was nearly another week of being pregnant before things were "over".   People had started to notice that my body looked a little different.   Perhaps I was showing, or perhaps my belly was starting to bloat for miscarriage related reasons, but either way,  people were starting to wonder if I was pregnant.   People were starting to ASK if I was pregnant.    After all, I really was still pregnant...but I was pregnant with a dead baby.   My baby!

 I had to visit my family doctors office and explain to 3 people there, one after another, what was happening.   They couldn't understand.   They didn't understand how I could be pregnant if the baby was dead.   But I wasn't having a miscarriage?!?!  So the baby was fine!  No, I told them again and again, the baby has no heartbeat, the baby is dead.   But that's impossible!  Is it now?   SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!! YOU'RE DOCTORS!!!!   AND NURSES!!!    That took a lot of explaining and honestly they just didn't believe me.    It was at least an hour of exhausting explaining, over, and over, and having them look at me with blank she's so stupid this paranoid pregnant girl expressions.   So I had to go to another clinic in town.   At least there they knew what was going on.     They confirmed my baby was all there, but had no heartbeat.  They said it was too dangerous to go naturally and they wanted me to have a D&C.   Otherwise, he said, I'd just end up back in the emergency room needing a D&C then because of hemorrhaging.    Then he tried to send me over to the abortion clinic for the D&C because "miscarriage is really just an unplanned abortion"   or something to that effect.    I did not want to go to the abortion clinic.   I didn't think I could sit in the waiting room with women who didn't want their babies, when I so desperately wanted mine.    So, they sent us over to the hospital, where we were put on "board" which apparently meant that we were the last thing to happen, once everything else was done,  and they had an empty OR then it would be my turn.    The nurses were so very wonderful to me there.   We waited the whole day.   I think it was after 10pm when they took me in.    Lot's of other stuff went on here, and scared the crap out of my sweet Harold, but I'm not entirely sure how I ended up telling the story of my miscarriages instead of the story of my tummy...so... whoops!  I guess that's been waiting to come out. 
As we were driving away from the hospital it was after midnight.   I was super exhausted, there was talk about me needing to come back in to get some more blood pumped into me if I kept passing out in the days to come.   We looked at the clock on the dashboard and Harold said to me "oh, sorry sweetums, Happy Birthday"     That was June of 2009.

...and then I really started eating.  ...and eating.... and eating....  Apparently I find food tremendously comforting.   I especially find KFC comforting.   I ate a lot.    Whenever feeling blue, I ate... and ate...  somedays I'm still eating chocolate chips out of the peanut butter jar!

So yeah,  that's when I really started gaining weight, after the two miscarriages. 

The first month we were "allowed" to try again, we got pregnant.   WHAT?!  really.   We got pregnant, and had a good, though very depressed pregnancy.  Near the end I was much better emotionally.   I gained an enormous amount of weight.   Though I was actually pretty fit, and was walking about 1-2 hours every day near the end.   I felt really great physically, and I was so ready for this baby girl to arrive!

I had taken the natural childbirth class. I had read the books.  I was set up for breastfeeding.  I had a home waterbirth planned and my room was set up perfectly with all the supplies requested by my midwives.   I had food frozen.   The baby's room was done.   Her clothes were hung up, her diaper table was organized with all the supplies.  All the cloth diapers were prepped and ready to go.    Our little girl was DUE June 2nd, or 2010. 

...waiting....

Go to Part 3

Diastasis Recti, and The Tummy Team - Part 1 of That Tummy Topic

A few months ago I somehow stumbled across the Fit2B website, and while browsing around I found the video about how to check for diastasis.   I'd already checked, and I didn't have a diastasis, or so I thought.    I figured I'd watch the video anyways, since it was nice and short (I loathe long internet videos...just get to the point, or write it in type so I can skim and get what I need and move on!  /rant).

Click here for a link to the page with the video

Well, it turns out, I'd been checking wrong.   I was crunching up too far, which pulls the rectus abdominus in, and gives you sort of a false negative.   I was following instructions I'd seen on a prenatal workout video, which was specifically talking about diastasis, and how to check for it, and how to protect yourself during pregnancy.   I thought I was all good.

I was not all good.   I have/had a rather significant deep diastasis.   I could fit at least 4 fingers in and push right down into my squishy insides.   I could even feel a nice pulse in there with no effort at all.

Oh dear.  

If you do go to the link that I posted above, you'll read a list of complications that you might be experiencing if you have a diastasis recti including    "...you constantly “throw your back out”..."
Well, I have in fact been constantly throwing my back out since Jude was a few months old.   The first really bad one was last year when we went to the cottage.  I spent most of the week not being able to move much.   After the long drive up, I must have hurt something, because I woke up the next morning and couldn't turn my head.    I've done it several times since Olive's birth.   Which is especially difficult since I've got 3 children to care for now, and the second one is very big, but still young, so needs a lot of lifting and carrying.   Jude was not walking yet when Olive was born, (they are just over 12 months apart).     One particularly bad session had me so twisted up that I couldn't stand straight.   My hips were tipped forward and twisted to the side, my back was curved forward and my neck was twisted sideways.   I was a pretzel for days.   And I had to try to carry a nearly 30 lb kid up and down the stairs several times a day and lift him in and out of a crib.  

I've thought that my back problems are in a big part because of my weak abs.   I have, after all, given birth to three children in under 3 years.    That's got to do something to a tummy.   I guess it really, really did.   

I read on the Fit2B website about the Tummy Team.   I wasn't too sure about it honestly.   It looked expensive, and I couldn't see much about what they offered.   I wasn't even totally sure that it was legit, because I'd just found both websites, and wasn't really sure about Fit2B yet either.    I got a trial membership with Fit2B and then there was a black Friday sale at the Tummy Team, so I squeezed the budget and got myself the Core Foundations course.     I'm rather amazed honestly.    I've got a lot to say, so I'll save it for my next tummy post, which is coming soon.   

Part 2 is here 

Part 5